Can we tawk? 

No seriously, something’s hitting me right now and I must share.

Family.

What’s up with it, I ask you?

We’re all different when it comes to family.  Some of us are close knit, traditional, totally conformed to the expectations of the group.  Proud to be a….what? A Smith, a Wilson, a Rodriguez a Salerno.  Whatever, you got my meaning.

We call, we show up for holidays, christenings, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, all of it.  Some of us never leave the nest, we remember to visit Grandma, call our Mother’s, our brother’s, sisters, we stand up in the wedding, carry the casket, the whole deal. We are family MEMBERS.  And we’re good with it. That’s how we were raised.  That’s what you DO.

But some of us were black sheep. Right? Misunderstood, outcasted, railing against the tribal imperatives.  Some of us can’t communicate with our families, they don’t get us, they don’t get…..anything.

No formal holiday’s, no hugs, no “I love you’s” or “Atta boys”.  When was the last time you were all in room together? Too much drama. Right?

Yeah, I can dig it.

Some of us have no family at all.  Is that better or worse?  Is it safer to have a blueprint to follow?  Examples to base your moves off of, to shape you? Or is it better to not know where you come from, to be without limits…without parameters…to be able to shape your own identity without any frame of reference? A clean slate to write the story of your life on.

I was raised Italian American. Old school, Catholic school. Don’t talk back, respect your elders, family comes first, work hard, expect nothing. DON’T TALK BACK. New Jersey. Italian.

And I was adopted.

Yes I’m serious.

So, I go back and forth between wanting to make meatballs and babies, or music and history, pretty much daily. 

I went to Catholic School. I loved the bible stories and gospel songs yet defied every Nun I came in contact with.  I love my family, I’m up on all the current events and happenings in the inner sanctum but there’s a reunion going on as I write this and I’m home….writing this blog.

Not sure why. I’m conflicted, always have been.

When I was growing up no one looked like me.  Being adopted I saw myself as this unique creature incomparable to anyone else’s beauty or lack there of.  I had nothing to compare myself to so therefore I had no limits.  It wasn’t until I met my birth Mother 5 years ago that I saw my own mortality and it was hard to face.  We’re technically family.  We look exactly alike and yet we have nothing in common despite our greatest efforts.

What’s that old saying?  You can’t pick your family? So what?  You pick your friends? And how have you been at doing that?  Just wondering.  Personally I can count on one hand the amount of friends I’ve picked that are still around, that would really be there for me.  And I’m lucky. I actually have around 3 or 4 true friends.  That’s a lot.  A real lot.

Most of us are lucky if we have one.  I also have my brother.  And Butch.  So I’m sorted out pretty much. 

We like to replace our family with friends.  We make people our Mom’s and Dad’s.  Have you ever become someone’s parent? I’ve been the recipient of some unresolved Mommy stuff pointed right in my direction, and man, I hated that.  But I guess we all do it.  I’ve played out Daddy rejection before, I never trusted anyone….it was pretty unfair now that I think about it.

But family,  that’s where it all ends up for me.  The love and guilt and unfulfilled needs we project onto everything in our lives. The repetitive cycle of unfinished business.

This nagging thing in my stomach because I haven’t seen my cousins daughter since she was born a year ago…..that urge to call my brother. 

I wonder every day what kind of Mother I’ll be and if I’ll have worked out all of my unresolved parental garbage before dumping it on my kids.

Oh God, that’s scary.

So much of who I am is because of how I was raised and by whom.  For better or worse. We are our past.  And as fast as we may run we face it every day.  So I ask you….

Who’s your Daddy?

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So here’s the thing about working with your family, friends and lovers.

It’s tricky because most likely they are working for free which of course you appreciate and chances are you can get things done at all hours of the day or night which is a nice perk. God knows since Andrew has been doing my web stuff I have changed the look of my site 16 times, put up multiple videos, and even began Tweeting over a year ago WAY before it was cool. But the catch is when something goes wrong it’s almost impossible to complain because they don’t need to be changing the colors of your myspace page every week for free you know, they get PAID to do it.
You feel me?  :)

So, this is what happened….last year I started blogging again, after I left the band. It was a sort of outlet, a way to express the many churning emotions bubbling up within, and a way to stay in touch with you all. Now, I didn’t write every day or even every week, but a lot for me and frankly, I thought some of the blogs were pretty good. Kinda funny, smart-ish, insightful I guess….I felt pleased with myself, I’m not gonna lie. So it was a bit of a blow to my well, ok, somewhat fragile ego when almost none of you commented or wrote back to me at all. Considering there are A LOT of you who actually get this blog and I thought you liked me…..you really liked me. I was hurt. Could it be that SO many of my once loving and expressive followers have now jumped ship because I decided to try something new? Is it possible that asserting my independence sent so many running in the other direction?

Umm. No. As it turns out, that’s not possible.

Yesterday, my love, my friend, and now my betrothed (Oh yeah, didn’t I mention it? He popped the question.) came home and got on his computer, which is not the shocking part of this story.  After about an hour he casually announced over his shoulder that the recipients of my blog have been replying directly to the blog email and there is an ACCOUNT FULL of responses to all of my blogs over the last year.

WHAT??????????????????  I thought quietly to myself.

So, I casually, but not  casual on the inside say….”oh, so, you didn’t know this was a possibility when you set up the blog?”  Eh hem…keep smiling Cass.
He said….”oh yeah, well, I guess it was a possibility but I didn’t think to check.”
I paused. Remembering how hard he works. How many weekends we have sat in front of the HTML or PHP or whatever you call it, fixing dark photos, cropping, clipping, posting, changing…OHHHH OK.

So I say, “Alright, why don’t you forward them to me and I’ll just write them back now.”  Thinking, how many could there be? 

Fast forward to an hour later and my inbox is inundated.  I am still reading them and there is no way to answer them all.   You ARE all still there!!!  Sending your love and support.  Commenting away.  Asking me to write a book, to come to Florida, to Texas to San Fran.  Big sigh.  I KNEW IT!

So all at once may I say, thank you thank you thank you.  And I am so sorry. I knew you were out there…..we just missed each other.

For future, if you want to comment on the blog, click on the title of the blog in your email which will take you to it on my site or go to akacassidy.com/blog and you can post where it says comment on the actual blog you are responding to.  If you only want me to see your comment email me at cassidy@akacassidy.com.

Also…Mid-Westerners, we’ll be in Kansas City at the Paola Roots Festival on 8/29 with Marc Broussard and Robert Cray!  I would love to see you all out in full force!

Check cassidyproject.com or akacassidy.com (same thing) for all info. And did you hear about my Gap campaign?  Well, go to the site and read all about it!

Thanks again everyone, for keepin’ the love alive.

Cassidy

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