Here's a brief story from the “other” kind of family. I think that you'll get it. The rest of you don't judge folks like me too harshly because we don't fit the Hallmark Card model of a family.

My mother (a difficult and mentally ill person to say the least) died unexpectedly after some routine surgery maybe 6 or 7 years ago. She was 62, I think. I wouldn't have bothered to drive 8 hours or so “home,” except my sister wanted my help. So I went. My sister and I made all the decisions, since my father never was never the most functional person in the world. We weren't about to pay for some fancy funeral. Let the funeral business rip someone else off. This viewpoint had its comical moments when some funeral home director that I phoned about cremation costs got offended telling me that “I guess cost is a consideration for you!” As if we should hand some funeral home a blank check!

My mother was cremated for $800. No funeral. No obituary in the paper, either. Obituaries aren't free. Her cremation was put on my sister's credit card, a fitting end since she always spent money that we didn't have. Upon cleaning house after her death, my sister and father found her pre-surgery “to do” list which included the task of “running up my father's credit cards.” I kid you not! My brother-in-law, an attorney, had to dig my witless father out of bankruptcy.

When we did the paperwork at the funeral home, the director offered us all a one last brief visit with my mother, if so desired. My sister and Aunt took him up on the offer…and then cried a while in the bathroom. My father took a look. They had suffered through a crummy marriage for god knows how long, so I guess he felt that it was the thing to do. My college age niece and I said thanks but no thanks. I offered to take everyone out to lunch afterwards, but they weren't hungry. I was.

My mother's ashes now sit in a box in some dresser in my father's house. I haven't been back there since all this happened. It is what it is. The End.

Wow…your timing is impeccable as always. Having just returned from a week long trip to visit family I have been struggling with so many of the things you've mentioned. I can't wait to see them but a week is PLENTY long enough.

I DO family…I “show up” consistently….moved back to Chicago to be nearer to family but often find myself needing to isolate myself from them because it's too much and not that I am the black sheep but definitely the different one, the head strong stubborn one who needs separation from them sometimes and is definitely misunderstood.

I push and I pull I push and I pull. I crave time with my family and then find myself racing back 12 hours in a car from the East coast JUST to hang out with friends and grill out and soak them in. My friends are my family…they get me, they get my quirks and somehow they still want to hang out and love me!

It's a mind boggling repetitive cycle

Thanks. I feel understood.

Living this way hasn't done a damn thing for me so far other than make me wanna scream. I feel like I was meant for something so much better and I feel like the family that says they want so much for me is actually holding me back. But I love em so what can ya do? right?

wow… it was good to get that out LOL

I hold my father differently since he passed away. Well, actually since I WATCHED him die. I appreciate the characteristics of his that I carry around. And when his second wife decided NOT to give us his ashes—I was angry. Until I looked at my hands and remembered how I walked and knew that it was exactly the same as him. That when I sold his toolbox to that kid–it was way underpriced, but, that kid was just starting out and didn't have that much money— that's what my dad would've done, too.

I'm not adopted.

But, my nephew is. Why does he have the same dry sense of humor that my mother and my sisters have? Even at 3yrs old? I love him the same. Was it in him already or did he “pick it up” from us? I hold him the same as all the children in my life.

Sitting on the beach with a dear friend. Someone close to both of us just lost her life to cancer. She was only 50-something. I wondered why everyone waited until someone was gone to say things about them–how they felt, memories–ya know love stuff. Eulogies. My friend and I decided not to wait. We gave each other the eulogy that day, on the beach. I gotta say. We took it seriously and some of the things she said about me, I had no idea. Deep. Worthy. Wow.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that “yeah. I get it. I get what you mean. I understand the doubt. the mother stuff. The carrying of it all”

This black sheep has managed to turn it around…but only because I put myself out there and took a risk, didn't stop believing in people after the inevitable “let downs”…still pushed forward…huggy arms out. and I caught stuff. Love from a family who questioned me all me life. Unending loyalties from friends, and ooooo the unconditional love of the kids in my life—-its gotta top it all.

Thanks Cass for puttin yourself out there.

We may have issues with our “families,” but who doesn't. Whether or not I choose speak to my self-infused father, or call my grandparents on a daily, weekly, monthly, biannually basis does not exclude me from that family. I agree with Ninfa, family is unconditional. People may drive you crazy, but at least you know what to expect. Like I said, no family is perfect. But each person is just an individualized piece in that puzzle.

Before I got married to my current husband, I really had to do some soul searching about my doubts about marriage. Having come from a family of divorce, it was hard to see beyond the “what if's.” But I did, and nearly 8 years later, I am so very happy I did. Because you cannot wait for the what ifs to go away or the trepedation to disappear.

We are a product of our past. Even further than the first generation behind us. How we interpret things, how we react to things, and how we move forward, has all been built on and affected us from many generations past. (The Historian coming out in me.) It is how we choose to use that information to move forward and be who we want to be.

Children are a gift. I have two. And I am a better person for having had them. Anyone would be lucky to receive such a precious gift. Regardless of their past.

There is no doubt what a terrific mother you will be. If you only knew how much your music helped guide me as a single parent. Lord, fighting with my daughter over school, fly out to NYC and see you sing that new song about listening to your high school guidance counselor!!!

Is'nt there the scripture in Matthew about leaving your parents and joining your mate?

And now you have to an entire new relationship with Butch's family. At least there is some history!