Growing up I had a group of girlfriends that I did everything with. We spent our highschool years going to parties, at the mall, smoking cigs in the girl’s room, and as every good Jersey girl refers to it…”goin’ down the shore.”
We’re all still close to this day. Not, call me every five minutes or “let’s go shopping” close. More like, let’s get together every few months and pick up exactly where we left off..close. You catch my drift.
Christine, who just had her first baby, was the wild one. April, who is newly and happily divorced, was the sexy one. We had a slutty one, but I’ll spare her the humiliation…she knows who she is. I was the chubby one…who could sing. And Patty, with the three kids and happy marriage, was the pretty one.
Of course you can’t possibly sum up a person in one small phrase. So, if any of you girls are reading this, I have abbreviated you for the purpose of telling a story. You are ALL complex, multi-faceted, GORGEOUS women….and I love you. See you at Christmas.
Now…back to business.
Whenever I tell this story to anyone who possesses the least bit of affection for me, they insist on interjecting the obligatory..”Cassidy, I am SURE you were the pretty one.” To which I always respond…”I am TELLING you that I was the chubby one….who could sing.” And MAYBE I was the funny one, but in my group, that’s a tough call.
Living in New York City I come in contact with every stereotype, all walks of life. And it’s fun for me to study the passers by and invent all sorts of pasts for them. One of my favorite games involves imagining what someone was like in High school . For instance, being able to glean from someone’s flat ironed, highlighted hair, that they were the only kinky, raven-haired Greek girl in a sea of wispy, W.A.S.P.y blonds. Or, if a buff physique reveals a once overweight or skinny teen.
Sometimes I see the guys on Wall street at lunch time. Pouring out of the Stock Exchange doors donning their $2000.00 suits and $500.00 haircuts, with the darting, terrified eyes of a math geek negotiating the dangerous terrain of the lunchroom.
Or show me a tall, stunning, runway model gliding by with her gazelle-like stride. I’ll show you a gawky 7th grader. A wallflower, towering over every adolescent boy at the dance.
And then there’s me, smack in the middle of them. Forever the girl who made you a sandwich, not horny. The girl with the attractive face, if she’d only lose the weight. The girl with the nice voice. The one with the hot friend.
And I suppose no matter how far I travel from that time, how successful I become, whether or not I fit in my size 4’s. I am still her in many ways. Just another person the streets of New York with past impressions about who I am. Like an old, hissing tape playing in another room.
Over the years I’ve learned to be sympathetic to the old ideas I have about myself. And in doing so have paid the same courtesy to others. I have come to realize that much of what people do, what they say, how they behave, is often fueled by past experiences of themselves and the world they have lived in.
I now know that perception can be quite different from reality, and not everything is as it appears. It’s given me a new perspective, as well as an understanding of reactions I may be getting from others that I don’t always understand. So much of what we do is dictated by what we’ve done. So much of who I am is ruled by who I was.
The reality is, I am no longer in high school, and if I sit long enough and let myself go there, I can faintly see the transformation that has taken place. And almost enjoy it.
I’m like a hologram, changing form when turned from left to right. Now you see me…now you don’t.
I am neither..yet, I am both.
{ 14 comments }
First off- It’s great that you still keep in touch with old HS friends, even though it’s infrequent. I recently signed up with Facebook and got back in touch with some old friends from a while back, and it’s so odd to see where everyone is with their lives: Having babies, getting married, etc. It seems so long ago that we were all getting together after school for football games, and at the same time- it sometimes seems like it was just the other day.
You have to wonder, now that everyone’s all grown up, how they got to be who they are today. I’m a prime example of the juxtaposition that you were speaking of: I was the shy, reserved, self-doubting band geek that could play a few instruments and did well in school, but was so quiet that only a few select people even heard me speak at all. I was the poster child for low self-esteem, and used rampant intellectualism and band practices as my coping mechanisms. I had no clue who I was, and neither did anyone else.
And now- well, I grew up. I stopped staring at the ground when I walked and started looking people right in the eye. Moved to NYC, got my degree in Psychology, earned some success in the corporate world, and just got over it all. Kept playing music, but stopped playing just to myself. Oh, and yeah- flat ironed my hair and got some damn highlights.
A lot changed, but the core of me definitely stayed the same, and has provided ample framework to the person I am today, and for that- I am thankful. 
Thanks for the insightful and thought provoking blog, Miss C. I really enjoy your posts, even the old ones that got nuked by myspace…over and over again. WTF?
As you said, it’s important (and difficult) to remember that everybody has got their “stuff” — no matter how blessed they may appear on some levels. It doesn’t matter if folks are pretty, smart, well-to-do, apparently grew up in a great family or whatever…everybody has some kind of kind of “lack,” some kind of s**t going on in the background that colors their perceptions. I’m know that I’m not very good (abyssmal actually) at seeing the other side of the picture when I’m knee deep in my own “stuff.” I’m too busy taking care of myself, for crying out loud.;)
I remember the title of a book (that I’ve never read) called “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” It really should be called “All I Really Need to Know that I Didn’t Learn in Kindergarten.” For better or worse, the patterns in people’s lives are pretty much set when they’re little kids.
Anyhoo, I was surfing the web today (what else is new) and ran across a couple of quotes that I really liked. They sort of apply to your most recent blog and are sufficiently secular to make me happy. So I thought I’d share:
1)”Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” (Meditations by Marcus Aurelius)
2)”There is a place that you are to fill and no one else can fill, something you are to do, which no one else can do.” (The Game of Life and How to Play It by Florence Scovel Shinn…or maybe she’s quoting Plato…I can’t tell.)
That’s all I’ve got today. Keep writing. Let’s do this again sometime. LOL.
p.s. All right, I switched to Internet Explorer and finnaly got my preview working. This is really my final draft if you’ve got ten copies waiting to be moderated. Sorry.
Hey Cass,
I got the email about your website and it is cool reading your blog. It brings back a little nostalgia here hearing about the blast from the past.
Congratulations on your new blog and website and I love your paintings!
I’ll email you soon regarding what we had talked about last. Thanks for your advice and insight.
Love,
Jen D
As someone who walked the same halls, I never thought of you as being fat. I thought of you as an old friend that I never really saw any more, and never saw me. Didn’t know if you even remembered me then. At the time, I was the girl who was invisible – not quite good enough at anything to stand out in any way. Something I’m still working on eradicating.
“Then I heard myself shout out the window,
not really talking to anyone.
I yelled, “Here I am, here I am, here I am
…but why do I feel like the invisible man?” – Joshua Kadison
I hear ya’ girl, I was the “chubby” with the beautiful face too! I remember, boy do I remember…..Good to see that ou are so grounded. I saw that for myself here in Schenectady, NY. You played a concert for breast cancer, a small venue, but what a concert! We see you everytime you’re in town, which i must say, since your much deserved success, is quite infrequent now! The Albany NY girls, are looking forward to you next visit!
Cassidy,
I think you hit on a sensitive subject to most. Although I had fun in HS, there are still some painful memories and every time there is a class reunion I feel myself automatically start to slip back into those same roles as existed back then, even if only mentally. It kind of unnerves me while at the same time makes me a little giddy. Wierd.
As I read your blog I found myself feeling some “old” feelings. I like to think I am happy with myself, but then there is always something that makes you wish you could have a “do over”. I am currently a 4th grade teacher and I pay very close attention to what my students say to each other. I try to show not tell them how to act towards one another. No too easy some times.
I became a teacher for many reasons, but one of those reasons was to do what I can to try to keep kids from scaring themselves and others. The school year is still young…so far so good. See you at Bucknell!
Hey Cassidy
I knew you in High School and I thought you looked great then and now 
Don’t worry about your friends infrequentcy. I am sure they think about you every day why wouldn’t they!!! You are totally were and are still awesome 
I know I never forgot you. Love Kim Salfelder ( Kim Millott ) 
DOVER FOREVER 
Cass:
Not every guy wants the pretty one…beauty fades, not every guy wants the sluty one…old habits die hard, but every guy wants the girl who can sing, is thoughtful and can make a good sandwich, better yet they make it together. You have been blessed with a voice, the ability to captivate a crowd and intro-spection ( is that a word) that most people long for. Your sexy and wonderful for who and what you are and your music has blessed my heart. I got to see you guys in DC last fall…drove 3 hours and it was awesome.
Lee
Thanks for your personal insight. Life is always changing. In the words of Kenny Chesney, don’t blink.
Hi Cassidy,
I knew you back in school and really glad I found you doing so well…Just so happens this was the first blog I’ve read so got to tell you…I always thought of you as the ‘wild one’ and you could even throw in ‘creative one’ too…
Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know how impressed I am with your success. Love how you kept in contact with everyone…some of the best friends I ever made were in H.S.
Brandon
Sweet Cass…
You continue to be so real and touch upon sooo many subjects that hit home for everyone. Whether it be your blogs, your poetry or your music…
I was and likely will always be “the chubby one” – it is a label that I have come to accept over the years. No matter how pretty my face is, how smart I am, how determined or even just how sweet and caring I am, that stigma will always be there. You find that most people don’t want to know you because of your size…I find that often, especially when you are “looking for love…” I am one of the lucky ones…I am the fat girl who is smart, pretty, sweet, generous, understanding, etc…who has found the girl of her dreams who really appreciates me and values me for just what I am.
As always Cass…thanks for sharing.
Cassidy-
I am really enjoying your blog.
I may no longer be the label that I was in high school, but she will always be a huge part of me. I am trying now to work on defining my life without labels except for one…being me.
The Wild One checking in here… The Pretty One called me to tell me about the new site (Butch did an awesome job – I love it) and about the blog…..
Better to have been Chubby, Wild or Slutty as teens than as adults. (Pretty stayed Pretty and Sexy stayed Sexy…those bitches
Those labels don’t define us, they helped us become the people we are today.
I loved you all then and I love you all today.
PS – I hope you are not thinking of selling Monique
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